The Gaping Asshole of the World (campaign)
The Gaping Asshole of the World is a campaign that takes place in Phallica. It follows adventurers who are tasked by Herman Cain to close the Gaping Asshole of the World in the year 208.3E. It is the first campaign to take place in Phallica, and it is where the majority of the lore of Phallica was established. Characters The players use multiple characters throughout the story, either as a result of player death or character boredom. The list of characters is as follows: Ryan "Space Man" (Sova Scrotia) The Unnamed Alien Man was a space-faring creature that arrived on Phallica at an unknown time. Little else was known about him. John Gottowt (Florida / The Badlands) John Gottowt was a human monster hunter who specialized in vampire hunting. As one of the last survivors of The Order of the Free Cock, John was actively seeking out Cock Blockula to take vengeance for the destruction of his former guild. Pizozo (Florida) Nobody really knows exactly what Pizozo was, other than that he was "one with the shadows." Garren (The Badlands / The Forbidden Woods) Garren was a human registered mage who traveled with The Old Man. Garren protected him while searching for the famed Star Knight armor, a priceless and powerful artifact that was once a fairly heirloom. Joe Gallius (Sova Scrotia / Florida) Gallius was a human paladin of Frank the Fingerer who held the sole goal of destroying anything associated with the Church of Prostaticus and, unsurprisingly, fingering people without their consent. Tirriph (Florida / The Forbidden Woods) Tirriph was a half-elf paladin, later barbarian, who led the half-elves of the Forbidden Woods. After a The Burger King (Florida / The Badlands) "The Old Man" (The Badlands) Miguel Phillip of Sova Scrotia (Sova Scrotia / Florida / The Badlands / The Forbidden Woods) Rick Limes (Florida / The Badlands) Ballz Shallow (The Badlands) Tyler Nax Fel'Zora (Sova Scrotia / Florida / The Badlands / The Forbidden Woods) Noah Rich Chrome (Florida / The Badlands) Ballz Deep (The Badlands) Katsuro Takayuki (The Badlands) Connor Gremblo (Cockblockula) A small, fat, inhumane looking chef who assisted the party in defeating cockblockula. Gremblo was a powerful warlock who seemingly had connection to Flavortown. Harry Allahu-dini (Prison Break) J. P. Loggins (Forbidden Woods) J.P. Loggins was a self noble and prominent member of the Putpocker's guild. Out of necessity to stop the Elven Civil War, J.P. joined the party and assisted in assassinating the elven royal family. Story The story is divided into several "regional arcs" during which the parties change and different parts of the story progress in different continents. Sova Scrotia The Dungeon Impossible space, traps, weird shit. Nova Scrotia The Village Florida Death of the Alien Man and Herman Cain's Quest "Blah blah go here and you'll know what you need to do when it happens" The Wizards of the Coast & The Spooklands Get captured by jews, sent to spooklands, florida police department broke in, take giant as friend and travel to... Assblastia Meet with wiggle waggle, joe buys stick and torches, do douchebag quest, get potions as reward. Joe blows up church after finding wine and kids in it, survives. The Gaping Asshole Goes with Billy the Orc to go fight a legendary monster. Go inside cave, herman cain is there with 100 dead people, then exploded billy, then sent party outside to witness gaping asshole opening. Quest to close the gaping asshole, first by uniting florida then the world. Return to town with everyone freaking out, Joe finger blasts the governor to death. Philip and Gallius fought guards until Gallius died, at which point a giant stone figner rose out of the ground. Nax and John left with Philip to go to Gainesville, finding tirriph along the way. Gainesville Town of swole men. No women, every time they appeared they would get arrested and disappear. Miguel dressed up as a woman, Tyler mistaken for a woman after falling through a window. Followed by group down tunnels where women were held captive, being thrown into pot of protein shake. After destroying statue to gains goblin, it unleashed, stealing gains of all men and collapsing church. all women released. Philip get married to philipa. Orlando Find whole town on fire, crazy cult that worshipped mickey mouse. Fought the Mickey Mountain. Swore allegiance to party afterwards. Fort Lauderdale Nobody says town name, spells prevent them from reading signs or books. Party annoyed. Tirriph's butt tingled, go to see therapist Phoctor Dill. Slammed cross shaped butt plug into his ass. Told john cock blockula would kill him one day, which triggered john into killing him with a chair. Party leaves to bakc track. Miramar (Miramar has been retconned to be a thriving society of mages that didn't abide by the mage's guild) On way there, miguel kept accusing rocks of being dangerous. Travel up magic lift. Met the operator gnome. Went to inn, kicked out because joe called him a jew then said "I'm going to start my own inn with blackjack and hookers". Tyler slept in tree, John slept in library while researching elf porn and cockblockula and Draconus Del Fuego, a dragon expert, Joe slept in tent, miguel slept by fountain. Miguel wakes up surrounded by little rocks in a circle. Later sees rock following him throughout the day. Tirriph found an abandoned building to start a hotel. Joe purchases inn for free at the town hall, which the owners said it's bad. Meeting Tirriph later, John concluded the hotel is definitely haunted, which Tirriph was ecstatic about because the hotel could be themed. John later hired the Ghost Hunters to chase the ghosts out while Tirriph renovated the house. Ghost Hunters instantly die, and the party is temporarily trapped in the house by a rock. The party eventually finds the ghost of Draconus Del Fuego in the basement, who explains to the party that he will explain to Nax how to permanently become a dragon if the party retrieves the bones of his dead crush from the graveyard. The party finds out the birdge to the grsaveyard is out so they visit the local carpenter to repair it. He said he only works with Cockwood, the hardest wood in the world that only grows in extremely inconvenient places. Woody Harrelson said he knows of a nearby cockwood tree hidden in a nearby douchebag encampment. The party departs to find the encampment overflowing with the lute playing douchebags. John refused to entertain the idea; the rest of the party was annoyed with douchebags and laid siege to their encampment. Tirriph received the most epic beatdown ever, while Nax got one shotted and Philip fled. Meanwhile, John goes to a farm and tries to band a girl but everyone there turns out to be vampires. John comes back and tries to negotiate the release of the party, and the douchebags make their terms that the fountain of eternal life must be found. John turned over the task to Philip, who found the fountain of eternal life. He grabs some of the water and rides a magic rock that's been following him around town back to the douchebags. He successfully negotiates the party's release, and the douchebags decide to up and leave, leavcing the cockwood for the party. Philip is mad they took literally everyting with them. They take the cockwood back to woody harrelson, who creates the bridge over the next few days. Meanwhile, the party slowly becomes conviced that there are some vampires in the town hunting them. Once the bridge is complete, the party sees an enormous graveyard. They dig up Del Fuego's dead unrequited love from her grave and retrieve her bones. As they do, the Gaping Asshole sends out a magic pulse that revives the entire graveyard. The party flees across the birgde while the town readies to defend itself on the bridge and hold back the undead tide. While the rest of the party held the line, Nax rereated into thebasdement with the bones to fulfill Del fuego's wishes. Nax goes into magical stasis, seizing, while having to watch the spirit of del fuego bang his lover. Meanwhile, the town's defenses failed miserably and they could not destroy the birdge in time. Undead flooded the town, pushing the party back near the town square. Nax is suddenly filled with the pwoer of del fuego, turning into an OP dragon and destroying the hotel while flying through the roof. Dragon nax burns the bridge and flys around slaughtering zombies. The town successfully fights back the horde, and ocne the battle is over, most of the population has died. John storms into the town hall, convinced they're all vampires and tried to kill one of them. John realizes they're all sketchy and goth but not vampires. The party leaves miramar, and Philip declares he's leaving the party to go hunt douchebags. Palm Bay Along their way to the next town, Palm Bay, the party is approached by an elf donned in golden armor. He identified himself as Rick Limes, an elvish warrior sent by Herman Cain to assist the party in closing the Gaping Asshole. On the path to the town, the party encountered shady merchants who posed no threat to the group, but they killed the merchants anyway and looted their wagon. Upon arrival at Palm Bay, the party approached the local Lord and found out civilians were being abducted at night. He informs the party that the wizard was sent to investigate the matter, but the wizard never returned. The party investigates the home, finding the place ransacked, with blood and multiple skulls all around. They find the wizard's beautifully written journal, detailing his investigation into the disappearances. The wizard notes people only ever disappeared at night, and only if they went into the woods. The party heads the gate at night and tied tirriph to a rope to pull him back if anything grabbed him. Tirriph is dragged suddenly with a greatdeal of force through the woods, and the party pursues him until he is dragged through a tree and out of the plane of existence. The party finds a way to force themselves through the same tree, and they arrive in a place that is eternally night with no sign of Tirriph. The party is pursued by unseen creatures and chased to a lit settlement filled with people. The party learned the inhabitants were all abducted similarly, and they discover the Tirriph along with the town wizard, a muscly man who only communicates by saying "BRAGGHH" in various tones or through elaborate drawings in a notebook. The wizard, who only identifies himself as "Braagh" and looks very much lijke a barbarian, leads the party to what he believes is the way to escape. They find themselves in a large clearing with where the party finds a tewisted treee that turns into a large demon. After the party nearly die to it, Braagh defeats the demon, removing its skull. The party escapes through another tree to leave the shadow dimension, with Braagh dragging the skull behind him. They arrive back in the outskirts of the town, but along the road, the group wonders if they came back to the right dimension. On the road, the party spots alternate dimension doppelgangers of themselves: van helsing, a red half elf, a green dragon, and a guy in silver armor. The party kills them to prevent relaity conflicts. They head into town, and the party slowly realises they aren't in an alternate relaity. Tirriph has sex with a prostitute and gets green dick. Braagh leaves while they visit the local lord. After the party mentions they found the wizard, the lord explains that's not the real wizard. He said that the muscly guy Braagh came into the city, seemingly killed the previous wizard, then put on his hat and declared himself the new wizard. The party qiickly returns the wizard's home only to find Braagh has gone, leaving an uncharatceristaclly well written note behind. The mayor actuallys the party for the first time. Unmarked Town The party stumbles across an unmarked, large town where the populace seems odd, making strange comments about "drinking their beef." The party decides to buy a mule from the locals, with Tririph claiming it as his own named "Stev" (Pronounced "Steve"). Refusing to deal with this shit, they skip the town with their new mule. Along heir travels, Rock Limes decides to stare intently at the mule, though he notices nothing unusual. Miami The pary heads over to miami with the intent of visiting the king. They are barred from entry, since the king's guard said the king was absent (and if he was here, they would definitely not be allowed to see him). The king was currently hunting a sea monster. The Order of the Free Cock John had the idea to visit his old castle to find siege weapons to help the king fight the sea monster, which Tirriph had a college degree in operating. The party travels east fo Miami to the castle only to find the door is locked. john realizes someone must have changed the locks, assuming squatters have taken over. The party grabs a ballista and shoots open the door. The party heads inside and find a great deal of rotting corpses, just as John left it; John fails to notice the corpses were riddled with lacerations instead . However, the place looked seemingly lived in recently, and they had the sense they were being watched. The party enters the armory and finds a mass grave of squatters, some very recently killed. As they realize somethign is wrong and try to leave, they are forced upstairs by a great deal of newly set traps. the group is corned upstairs by a towering man in victorian clothing who identifies himself as the knight captain Gascoigne of the order ofthe free cock. He explains that many of the members, after the great cockblocking of the order, did not immediately commit suicide via cyanide as per their oath. He took it upon himself to kill every member of the order of the free cock who failed to maintain their oath. He tells John that he was cockblocked by proxy and must die. Gascoigne, fighting with firebombs and swords, inflicts a great deal of damage to the party, causing them to retreat. Eventually Tirriph successfully grapples Gascoigne long enough for the party to deal damage. Gascoigne casts a spell that blasts Tirriph's buttplug out, releasing the soul of Gallius into father gascogine. While he is distracted by the possession, John quickly executes gascoigne, releasing the soul of Gallius once more. Gallius enter's Nax's ass instead. The party grabs their siege engine and heads back to the local town to get the deed for the castle. On their way back to the town, Rick Limes decides to stare at Steve; after a period of time, he begins to hear screams echoing around him. After he breaks eyesight with the mule, the screams disappear. Rick Limes tries to warn the party about the mule, but the party dismisses it. Meanwhile, John learns that the deed to the castle was recently sold to a red haired woman heading to miami. On their way into Miami, they find a Battle Nun acolyte who matched the description preaching about prostaticus. The party approaches her about the deed, and after an engaging conversation with Tirriph about turning the castle into a church-hotel. Believing in Tirriph's cause and realizing it could aid her own, she joins the party. Phoctor House The party decides they need to remove the spirit of Gallisu from Nax's asshole and visits the office of Phoctor House, who fits the party into his schedule to perform an Assorcism. After a rigorous ritual, Phoctor House successfully extracts the spirit of Gallius from Nax Felzora's anus. The Demonologist Feeling concern over the possible danger of the demon mule, Rick Limes pays a solo visit to a local gnome demonologist. After hearing Philip's story, the demonologist says that while it s possible for the mule to be a demon, further evidence and more witnesses are required to confirm before he can provide help. Sanh While the remainder of the party carries out individual missions, Nax visits the mage's guild within the capital, seekin guidance about how to become a full dragon. He seeks out the office of a mage known as Sanh, as given to him by Draconus Del Fuego. Nax finds a young red-haired mage who briefly touches on how to become a dragon and says she will teach him when he arrives the next day. Nax goes alone then ext day while the party does dmb shit and finds Sanh is missing. He sees a secret passage in her office leading down to dark tunnels. He follows them down to a large chamber where he is knocked unconscious. After Nax is missing for themajority of the day, the party seeks out Nax within the mage's guild. They bullshit their way into the guild and make their way to their office. They question Sanh until they realize they are speakibng to a hologram. After invesditagting her office, they find a way t unlock a secret pssage. They follwo it down and eventually find nax strapped to a bed unconscious in a chamber with BDSM gear and torture tools all over the room, although he appears untouched. Sanh agrees to relinquish Nax, saying she did what she needed to help him become a dragon. Though the group is skeptical, Tirriph isconvinced that Sanh is fit for Nax and vows to get Nax to bang Sanh. Confronting Steve Nax regroups with the party, and Rick Limes confronts Tirriph about Steve. He concinves john to look into the mule's eyes, and afte john hears thei tnense screaming, he agrees that the mule is psosessed. The party attempts to kill Steve, while Tirriph attempted to defend hisp rize mule. Stev casts calm emotinos, the party stops fighting, Stev disappears, Tirrioph runs to the castle with his ballista that he pushed to the former castle of the order of the free cock, at the castle he tries to turn it into a church-hotel and angrily abandons them to do so. The party recruits the demonologist to help them purge steve. At the castle, Nax tries to stop Scarlett from falling, but fumbles and inapparopriately grabs scarlett, which she interoprets as rape. Scarlett takes out a rape whistle, and blows upon it. After 10 minutes of arguing, a battalion of Battle Nuns comes out of the fortes,t seeking to aid scarlett against 'rapists'. The Nuns attempt to arrest Nax for rape, but Scarlett diffuses the situation. The Battalion departs. The party is informed via messwenger that tjhey have been summoned by the king of lforida. The Fall of Miami The party reutnrs otrthe royal castle in miami Badlands Group leaves the Temple of Dank Kush. Jumped by Free Dragons. Get annihilated, Nick Cage kills guy with teleportation. Joe raises zombies, Garren disapproves. Nicholas Mage goes invisible, runs into North Orkadelphia. Group goes to Temple of Dank of Kush for advice and weed supply. Buy some chicken from Chieftan Sanders's Orkadelphia Fried Chicken. Group dresses in robes, Garren cross dresses and dyes his hair pink. Sprinkles eats so much weed that his skin becomes weed, soaked with chicken grease, then lit on fire. All the weed on his body creates dank cloud. Make It Bun Dem plays. Party slow walks through powerful cloud of smoke, stopped by wall of Crips. Philip has the leader smoke Declaration. Bloods come from behind, also smoke dank kush. Gang leaders make out, party goes inside dive bar. Find security station, charm guy. Find closet of cloaks, sneak into auditorium. Listen to speak about the plan to use the tunnels under the city to smoke all of its inhabitants so the leader will be invincible with plot armor. Old Man sends owl out to deliver message to authorities. Nick Cage paralyzed. Q&A, Garren asks "Are traps gay?" Everyone leaves, distraction formulated. Nick Cage stops time, investigates stage, pulls lever. Philip creates Snoop Dog, followed by Aaron Kitcher as illusions to play music. Old Man fakes being shot with Garren. Nax lightning blasts 95 people, tackled. Nick Cage finds trap door, Sprinkles eats a guy, then him and Philip escape. Garren fireballs everyone off Nax, rescues him. All flee through tunnel as cage locks the door behind them. Forbidden Woods